Why This Is Not A Sacrifice [with clarification]

So recently I have been thinking about the pity with which other people often approach me…for example, here is a real life conversation that happened to me not too long ago, and one that continues to happen as of late:

“So, are you a student?”

“No, my husband is first term.”

“Oh wow, so you came down with him?”

“Yeah…”

“Didn’t you want to stay in the states?  I mean, what about you?  Didn’t you like, leave a job and stuff?”

“Yeah, I had a job…”

“Oh wow, so you gave that up for him to be here?”

“Well…not….”

“So you’ll get back into your career when you go back, right?  I can’t believe you put it on hold!  I mean, he should support you since you’re here supporting him…. aren’t you bored? I mean, what do you do?”

Hmm. The amounts of “Aww, how sweet of you to come with him and support him and stuff” that I am getting here has led me to think long and hard about what is going on in the world around me, and the “truths” that are being imposed on women and society in general.  This is going to be a long post, I’ll tell you right now…but I really would like it if you read all the way through.  I would love feedback/comments, and if necessary, I will edit/do follow-up posts. 

To see where I'm coming from, I feel the need to clarify my position on some things:

My life is NOT about self-actualization or self-gratification. 

Therefore, it is NOT about pursuing my career goals, or going on life excursions to “find myself.” 

It is also not about figuring out what will most satisfy me – using people and means to make me the happiest person around.

Those are LIES that we have learned from the world telling us we need to do whatever we can to live for ourselves, for our happiness, for our greatest fulfillment.

No.

My life is about God-glorification – living in a manner that gives Him the greatest glory, because He is the creator and sustainer of the universe and living for anything less than that is not worthy of my praise.

My life is about finding joy in all circumstances, because God has appointed everything for me.  Therefore, I will live in joy regardless of the comfort or “ease” of the thing.

My life is about submission to God and His will, and then to my husband as the head of our family.

My life is about my calling as a wife and Lord-willing one day a mother.

Foolish, you say?  Read on and see how foolish I can become…

Let’s start at the very beginning, shall we?

Once upon a time, there was a boy who was born to two parents.  He grew up, played sports, was involved in his local church, did well in school and knew from an early age that he wanted to be a doctor. He didn’t know much about marriage or commitment, but knew that somewhere down the line he probably wanted to fit it in somewhere.

Somewhere else in the world [and a year and a bit more previously], a girl was born to two parents. She grew up in a Christian home and was involved in her local church. She was strong-willed and often opinionated about things about which she had no idea.  She unknowingly fell in love with feminist ideals throughout her high school years.  She didn’t know exactly what she wanted in life, but she certainly wanted independence and freedom, that was for sure.  And maybe an apartment in New York, because she would be successful at something.  And she was probably never going to be married.  And she definitely didn’t want kids.

The boy went to college.  It was not long before God opened his eyes to see the error of his ways, and he realized that for the past few years he had been living a lie.  He was convicted that during his entire high school career he had not known God, nor had he been living a life worthy of Him.  His sin had separated him from God, and he knew that nothing he could do [even all his prior church involvement] could save him from eternal separation from God.  Christ’s sacrifice for his sins on the cross then became the most beautiful and liberating truth in his life, and the things he used to live for/in disgusted him.  He repented radically, turning away from his sin in those things, and pursued hard after the God of the Bible who promises life and eternal joy in His presence to all who believe in His son’s sacrifice for all mankind – the only means by which man can have full communion with God.

The girl also went to college.  In fact, she went to three.  In four years.  She left home angry and bitter and although she knew the truth about God, and she even believed it, she didn’t want to be bothered by it….for now.  She wanted to live for her self, and figure out who she was and what she wanted.  Consequently, her first semester of college was a rough one, but she was slowly coming to realize that the ways of God were actually the most liberating after all.  After a semester of people pleasing, running after her own desires and attempting to be the most original person known to man, she stopped.  Then she transferred…twice…until she found herself at the same college with the boy in this story.

At this point in time, the boy was growing at a rapid rate in his love and knowledge of God.  He had joined a solid church with solid teaching and was quickly learning what it meant to be a man.  A real man, mind you…one that knew he was defined by God’s thoughts of him, not by his bedroom, gym, or academic qualifications.  

At the same time, the girl had changed a lot.  She was still opinionated and a little outspoken, but God was continuing to teach her about true womanhood…one that was defined by God and consisted not of comparing herself to other women, focusing on “finding Mr. Right,” wearing the coolest clothes, or owning all the newest music and knowing every obscure band, but instead one that lived in a consistent trust that God’s plans were the best plans, and His view of women was a high one.  While she had previously scoffed at the word “submission,” it was becoming clear that submission to God’s will was something very freeing, and her knowledge of His Word was allowing her to thrive in a life that honored Him.  She was living with the knowledge that she was a freed woman by the blood of Christ – no longer enslaved to people pleasing, fashion following, world-drenched mind processes, but in love with the wisdom of God through His Word.

One day this boy and this girl met.  It wasn’t time for them to date yet, so let’s fast-forward a year.  Ok, so they meet again and start hanging out.  The boy thought she was coolest girl ever [ok, so the author is biased here] and she admired his boldness and strength of character.   They got to know each other as they hung out with mutual friends, and one night he finally worked up the nerve to tell her how he felt

[…………….]

She felt the same :)

But here is where it got interesting: from the very beginning, before they even decided to date, he told her that he wanted to date with the end being marriage in mind, and that he also felt led to do medical missions, and if she didn’t feel like God was calling her to that lifestyle, they might as well leave their friendship as it already stood.  At this point, the girl had realized that she did desire marriage after all [and the possibility of kids was becoming a bit more appealing].  She also had realized that while submission to God gave her the greatest freedom, a wife’s call to submit to her husband was equally right, and she knew that if she was called to marry anyone that she would be have to be willing and open to whatever the Lord was calling him to do.  So, was she ok with medical missions?  Life in a hut? [Her thoughts, not his words]  Sure, bring it on.   So they started dating.  Then they started talking marriage, and they did pre-marital counseling to ensure they were both on the same page and to try avoiding any, “Oh my gosh, you think we should do what with our kids/money/lives?!” moments.  Graciously, they were on the same page.

When it came time for them to be married, the girl knew clearly and full well what her future husband desired and felt called to do.  This meant that he would pursue medical school, and it also meant a life of a lot of home-based responsibilities on her part.  He was not going to be able to be a doctor with a wife who was unwilling to aide him with his schedule, etc. and if they did have kids, and lived in a foreign country, even more responsibilities would fall to her.  Good thing she is relatively strong willed and ok with being semi-independent, huh?  Ummm...right ;)

So that brings us to the current events.  Medical school in the states became a non-option, and the girl and boy now live in Grenada. Gee, I wonder who I’m talking about, huh?

So why all the “pity”?  I knew coming into my marriage the role I was to play. 

“Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.”  Ephesians 5: 22-24

“Whoa!” You might say.  “What the heck, the Bible is SO outdated and ridiculous. How could anyone think this was good?  No woman REALLY wants to live that way!”  I would have agreed with you 6 or 7 years ago [yipes! I’m old!] but let me tell you something: this verse is by no means restricting, controlling, or suffocating.  I can tell you first hand.  This verse does NOT give J the right to be a tyrant.  In fact, continuing on you read that husbands are given even more commands concerning their wives:

“Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish.  In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body.” Ephesians 5: 25-31

Now, I know of strange churches that have taken these verses out of context, attempting to “control their women,” and set up male hierarchy, but that is NOT the point of these verses, and it is sad to see that kind of behavior held as the example of “submission.”  Submission is NOT mindless, robotic obedience. Do you realize that J would be greatly disobeying God if he treated me like trash, demanded that I be at home to make him food, rub his feet and bear as many children as he so desired?  Is that loving?? [Man, I hope you don’t think so…]

No - he is called to LOVE me like his own self!  If he treats himself well, he is to treat me just as well – we are one through Christ in marriage.  Therefore, my actions have consequences for both of us and so do his.  I am called to ultimately submit myself to his decisions and leadership, and he is called to make those decisions and leadership calls with me lovingly in mind, and ultimately, in his own submission to Christ.  There is no male dominance here, but rather love and appreciation for me, and for me a continuing trust in him knowing that he is doing the things he is doing out of his call from God, and the wisdom he has prayed for. 

So just as this does not mean that J is out for his own desires without considering me, this also means that I am not out for MY self, MY career goals, MY ultimate happiness.  Not only do I not feel like I need these things, but it would also be against my calling as a wife and married woman to pursue only MY desires. If I really wanted THAT, I should have stayed single.  But since I made the CHOICE to get married [I wasn’t drugged and dragged, people] I also made the choice to submit to my husband, because biblically the two go hand in hand.  Submit to God first, and my husband second. 

And that brings me here to Grenada, full of joy to be able to serve my husband during this time and encourage him as only a wife can, and see that he is well taken care of and loved. Do you see the glorious freedom in this?  I know Whose I am, I know my purpose here on earth - to serve and honor God with my life and one facet of that is to also serve and honor the husband He has graciously given me, and I have freedom to live in the truth of the gospel - in Christ's death for me on the cross, knowing full well that my life is now in His hands and in His control, and that He does everything for my good.  Does that sound restricting to you?  Do I sound miserable?  I hope you see that the answer is a most resonant and resounding "No."  I need no pity for being here.  This is not a great result of a huge sacrifice on my part – this is called obedience to God's will, and therefore this is the most rewarding thing yet in our marriage! Yes, it is hard at times as my friends and family well know, but regardless of the life we [WE!] left in the states, I have been able to find joy in all situations, and I am confident that I will be able to continue to do so as God calls us to greater things than this. 
Harder things, maybe, but greater still.

Let me know what you guys think - there are so many more facets to this, i.e. mothers working outside of the home, how we should be living as living sacrifices for God, how we should respond to the gospel because of what Christ has already done for us, etc. but I would need to write a book for those things, and this is a blog :)

Much love.